It has been a long time since i wrote anything. My bad. To attempt to make it up to you i have written a horrifically embarassing story for your eyes to laugh at.
As previously mentioned I was a bit of a late bloomer in terms of most things. I didn't drink till I was 17. Didn't try drugs till I was 18. And was hopelessly awkward with girls until ohhhh last night (thanks mom!). The following is the sad bastard of a story that was losing my wretched virginity.
First some background on who I was at this stage in my life. After graduating high school I decided to make the always intelligent "break" from school. Cause apparently high school was wicked draining on me? During that time I got my first job (thanks Safeway) and was also subsequently fired for the first time two months later (fuck you Safeway). Me and "the boys" would hang out literally on a daily basis, playing sports and watching flicks. To be honest girls were kind of seen as too much work and an unneeded dramatic element. Sure they were pretty and smelt nice but unless I was hopped up on 25 cent draft and ‘Pony’ by Ginuwine was pumping through the Taz's speakers I saw no need in heavily investing in them aside from some rad friends who just happened to have lady lumps (check it out).
Anyways. Sorbs and I had made the decision to leave our parents house and venture out into the downtown core. I suddenly put a rather large about of pressure on myself to see if I could bring back girls to the apartment. Sorbs had a girlfriend at the time so I knew i would be solo in my efforts. Btw I think the idea that my buddy/roommate was getting action on a regular basis had a large part to do with my sudden determination to lose my vcard. The first night we had possession I made a promise to myself that I would not be coming home alone. No matter what. What could go wrong right?
So how does a young mildly retarded boy pick up a girl? Why drink pitcher after pitcher of beer and 'cruise' the bar and hope that a girl just sort falls into ur lap of course. I have a hazzy memory of the awkward search. I eventually crossed paths with a girl I had seen at a couple parties and had drunkenly talked to on numerous occasions.
I remember forcefully trying to fill lulls in the conversation so she wouldn't have a moment to give me the "I should get back to my friends" line. I remember thinking "be witty", "make her laugh" and I think I thought to myself "look tough" for some unknown reason. Boys are dumb.
Eventually the lights came on. I knew it was now or never. Time to step up and be a man/drunken boy. So how do I ask a girl home for the first time? I had no idea. But I knew something had to be said. It had to be subtle, and cool, yet keep it classy. So obviously I asked "Hey. Umm. What are u doing now? Wanna…umm. Come to my place to play original Nintendo?"
Yes, I actually thought that was cool and subtle.
Honestly.
And for some god knows why reason she said “ya sure”.
We took the car ride back to our apartment and Sorbs and his gf intelligently made themselves scarce. So there I was, with a girl in my apartment (willingly I might add), both of us tipsy, so what do I do? Why fire up the original Nintendo of course. Almost immediately she crosses her arms (never a good sign fellas) and asks me:
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Ummm I thought you wanted to play Nintendo”
“I don’t want to play FUCKING Nintendo”
“Oh”
Next thing that made sense to me was drinking more beer. Maybe if I had more ‘liquid courage’ this situation would be easier. Hell she might even take the lead and put me out of my misery. As the beer levels decreased and the silence levels increased on my patio I knew I had to take a stab at this. I knew I had to say something, something that would let her know that I was down, but that I wasn’t a total ahole.
So again, what verbal diarrhea comes spilling out of my mouth?
“So ummm what are the chances of a guy like me, and a girl like you….going back to my bedroom and…?”
I kid you not, that is verbatim what I said. I remember so vividly because she was chuckling by the end of the question. Shaking her head. Then turned to me, took me by the hand, and lead me to the bedroom.
I would love to sit here and write about how that night I turned in an all-star performance, that I was impressive on all accounts, made up for my awkwardness and cheesy lines with my ability to deliver. But my friends. That would be a filthy filthy lie. To be honest it was all a blur. I remember doing a little of X and a little of Y and suddenly before I even knew what was up…I was…umm…playing field hockey. Well I had stepped on the field at least. I didn’t play the game for long, and I definitely didn’t make the team that night.
I was officially, and literally a “two pump chump”.
There was this moment of happiness and awkwardness that immediately followed. I had done it. I was no longer a virgin. Meanwhile the girl who I was still laying on top of wasn’t exactly happy about the situation. As I crawled off her and collected my thoughts on how I would deal with this situation she rolled away from me. Her back to me I heard her whisper
“I can’t believe I came all the way here…..for that”
I died a little that night. Ha.
iframe title="YouTube video player" width="390" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/IVMKQP0K3a0?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen>
No comments:
Post a Comment